parchment is never parched after drinking ink

seriously benefitting from this youth halaqa at the masjid. i love the fact that it's nightly. i love being around fellow muslims and being reminded of the beauty of islam.

sigh. learning, reading, and salah seriously lighten the burden upon my soul. arabic is such a rich and nuanced language.

the reason for this journal's title is because--well--it's true. we don't get back time. (sorry sci-fi lovers.) it's scary but also highly motivating. hence the pumped up zuko icon. we spend so little time on this earth. why do i keep letting myself waste it?

"for fun?"

"because i feel like it?"

not a fan of the whole "life is short so do whatever you want, the purpose of life is just to have fun so go wild!!!" i can tell you from firsthand experience: living like that is boring. yeah, you heard me. having fun all the time is boring. we live in a society oversaturated with entertainment, obsessed with acquiring wealth (be that in the form of real estate, electronics, what have you).

getting more stuff makes you feel like you have to have even more. the competition and comparisons start. man, i wish i could afford something so expensive. oh dude he has that already? he must have torrented it, that OS isn't even out yet. maybe i should too.

does that mean we should never ever enjoy life, or play with our kids, or relax? i don't think so. we need to recharge. but our society values such an unhealthy perception of happiness (including the idea that we need to be happy all the time, which is impossible in this life lol) that we expend too much effort in activities that honestly don't matter.

that's part of why i like islam so much. people in our community think worshipping God and striving towards him means we have to be praying or reading qur'an constantly. islam is so easy. if our intentions are in the right place, smiling at people become an act of worship. loving your husband/wife. feeding your kids. thinking about Allah. being kind to strangers. there is so much about islam that our ummah doesn't understand, and sometimes it's our own fault because we don't even care enough to learn about the religion.

there is so much beauty in islam. may Allah allow us to die only as muslims.

 it's poison.

mental illness never really does leave you alone, does it?

this is going to be a lifelong struggle. despite feeling a resurgence of symptoms i'm oddly calm. this is familiar. not comfortable, but i know how to navigate these tumultuous waters. i've been here. surely i can make it back to shore.

i didn't get put here to waste away and feel like dirt--trampled on, abused, undervalued. i'm tired of that. we all are. so i'm coosing to make the most of this blessed month and this blessed life so i can achieve the ultimate goal and purpose.

paradise.

the more i help others the more i heal. there are people around me hurting just as much. i can't let them hurt the way i do. not while i know i can do something.

i'm gonna make a difference. just you watch, depression. just. you. watch.

you know, my favorite thing about stories and interactive media are how profoundly a piece can affect you. this is precisely why i decided to get back into fandom and such. i miss the theories and soeculation and how it all relates back to me, my life, and everyone i'll ever interact with.

reading kiznaiver theories is... really making me look into myself.

i tend to bottle up pain. it's my go-to defense mechanism. i never knew how to handle emotional pain so i'd find all kinds of ways to avoid it.

• ignore the pain
• evade thinking about the sources of pain
• not confronting my feelings
• distracting myself with other concerns 

i don't know. i'm thankful i never self harmed because for me, personally, that might have been harder to give up. all these years of journaling gave me pretty good insight as to who i am and my reaction tendencies. like i said though, it's been a while.

i noticed i've been falling back into old habits. holding back. denying myself emotions. it's not healthy. it's possible to acknowledge thoughts and feelings without acting on them. that's something i've yet to internalize. maybe i'm scared that i won't be able to control myself? that's probably it. i'm impulsive and a bit weak-willed, but hey, just like zuko (oh boy here we go with the avatar lol) i'm also capable of change.

it's nice to write these reminders for myself.

i'm hooked? i'm so pleasantly surprised at how this is written. AND it's animated by studio TRIGGER. (almost typed tigger. sorry, winnie the pooh.)

a visual feast. so fluidly animated, and the show doesn't lag behind too much in terms of visual quality as the episodes go on, absolutely stunning. now this doesn't mean i totally recommend the show.

it is a bit cliché (though the archetypes were selected on purpose and they let you know that straight from the bat). plot elements and upcoming scenes are predictable if you've watched a decent amount of anime before. nevertheless, the pacing fits the characters well and it doesn't feel overrun with filler.

also, a main character i don't hate! oh, the characters. i love them. even the annoying pretty-boy character that typically forces a groan from me any time they pop up isn't as annoying or shallow. the relationships form naturally and true to life. maki had the strongest character development, however i sense each character will also answer their own wake-up calls.

agata katsuhira and hajime tenga, two characters after my heart. the more i type the deeper i realize just how much the characters have grown and how they don't entirely stick to their initial archetypes. is this the work of the kizuna system? lol.

a bit tired of the whole love triangle thing (even though it's not a major focus yet) but becomes more like "love spaghetti" as one commenter phrased it. thank God this isn't a harem anime or i would be out SO FAST.

i just finished up episode 9 and 10 is supposed to come out soon. my mind is racing with thoughts and theories and

I JUST FOUND OUT THERE'S CRUNCHYROLL IS SIMULPUBBING A MANGA RN THERE ARE THREE CHAPTERS BYE Y'ALL