the need for resolution

[hijabi]

you know, my favorite thing about stories and interactive media are how profoundly a piece can affect you. this is precisely why i decided to get back into fandom and such. i miss the theories and soeculation and how it all relates back to me, my life, and everyone i'll ever interact with.

reading kiznaiver theories is... really making me look into myself.

i tend to bottle up pain. it's my go-to defense mechanism. i never knew how to handle emotional pain so i'd find all kinds of ways to avoid it.

• ignore the pain
• evade thinking about the sources of pain
• not confronting my feelings
• distracting myself with other concerns 

i don't know. i'm thankful i never self harmed because for me, personally, that might have been harder to give up. all these years of journaling gave me pretty good insight as to who i am and my reaction tendencies. like i said though, it's been a while.

i noticed i've been falling back into old habits. holding back. denying myself emotions. it's not healthy. it's possible to acknowledge thoughts and feelings without acting on them. that's something i've yet to internalize. maybe i'm scared that i won't be able to control myself? that's probably it. i'm impulsive and a bit weak-willed, but hey, just like zuko (oh boy here we go with the avatar lol) i'm also capable of change.

it's nice to write these reminders for myself.