hijabi: photo of zuko scratching his head. (zuko scratching head)
today on embarrassing but true: see the title above.

seriously. i know ADD plays a role. my short-term memory and attention span are laughable. i tend to over-focus on details thus missing the bigger picture. i get sucked into browsing web page after web page. time almost seems to run away from me, even when i set alarms and whatnot. (in fact sometimes i don't even register the fact that the alarms are meant to help me.)

overall, mentally you could say i'm a mess lol. but it's okay. that's how i was born, and i can learn to work with what i've got.

i'm getting a liiittle better at doing what i gotta. however i still make the mistake of starting things i know i'll get carried away with. (*sideways glance at my 3DS.*) i'm not sure what techniques will work for me at this point, or how to discipline myself better, but i have a feeling i'll learn.

anyways, i got stuff to do soon so i guess i'll wrap this up. seeya 'round!
hijabi: photo of zuko resting his head on his chin in boredom. (zuko bored)
 it's poison.
hijabi: photo of zuko looking away, clearly tired and uncomfortable. (zuko grumbly)
mental illness never really does leave you alone, does it?

this is going to be a lifelong struggle. despite feeling a resurgence of symptoms i'm oddly calm. this is familiar. not comfortable, but i know how to navigate these tumultuous waters. i've been here. surely i can make it back to shore.

i didn't get put here to waste away and feel like dirt--trampled on, abused, undervalued. i'm tired of that. we all are. so i'm coosing to make the most of this blessed month and this blessed life so i can achieve the ultimate goal and purpose.

paradise.

the more i help others the more i heal. there are people around me hurting just as much. i can't let them hurt the way i do. not while i know i can do something.

i'm gonna make a difference. just you watch, depression. just. you. watch.
hijabi: photo of hinata looking out forlornly. (hinata sad)
you know, my favorite thing about stories and interactive media are how profoundly a piece can affect you. this is precisely why i decided to get back into fandom and such. i miss the theories and soeculation and how it all relates back to me, my life, and everyone i'll ever interact with.

reading kiznaiver theories is... really making me look into myself.

i tend to bottle up pain. it's my go-to defense mechanism. i never knew how to handle emotional pain so i'd find all kinds of ways to avoid it.
  • ignore the pain
  • evade thinking about the sources of pain
  • not confronting my feelings
  • distracting myself with other concerns 
i don't know. i'm thankful i never self harmed because for me, personally, that might have been harder to give up. all these years of journaling gave me pretty good insight as to who i am and my reaction tendencies. like i said though, it's been a while.

i noticed i've been falling back into old habits. holding back. denying myself emotions. it's not healthy. it's possible to acknowledge thoughts and feelings without acting on them. that's something i've yet to internalize. maybe i'm scared that i won't be able to control myself? that's probably it. i'm impulsive and a bit weak-willed, but hey, just like zuko (oh boy here we go with the avatar lol) i'm also capable of change.

it's nice to write these reminders for myself.
hijabi: photo of zuko looking away, clearly tired and uncomfortable. (zuko grumbly)
i'm not going to link it because i'd probably die of chronic embarrassment.

my maturity at that age is kind of impressive? my immaturity at that age is also impressive. in a bad way.

some LJ entries scream the "woe is me emo kid venting on their livejournal" stereotype, and it's so bizzare to see how much of these events and phrases--word for word--i still vividly remember. people underestimate kids way too often. that's part of why i love journaling. introspection has so much value. i love it. love it love it love it.

and hey, my old icon looks as nice to me as it did when i added it!
hijabi: photo of zuko looking away, clearly tired and uncomfortable. (Default)
i tend to overuse the same literary devices and sentence structures. i know, i know, i'm a bad bad writer.

i'll cut myself a little slack since i haven't written in a while but seriously. get it together! you know you can do better than this.

get active on forums. even if you just lurk all day have the initiative to take some notes! read writing contests! enter writing contests! get into a word processor or text field or iphone app or something and draft a compelling story!!! forget about typos. write now, take break, edit later.

i expect you to close the tab as soon as you post this entry. don't even stop to read it. go, go, go!
hijabi: photo of zuko resting his head on his chin in boredom. (zuko bored)
i've left a lot of people behind.

at some point, all of us will. intentionally. unintentionally. hardly any relationship is constant.

you know what's funny? sometimes i miss the people i left on purpose. i shouldn't, though. they treated me like trash. they used me. they stepped all over me and made fun of my religion and laughed in my face when i was distressed. they made me uncomfortable. they said and did things behind my back that i honestly still have a hard time believing.

foolishly, i excused their behavior because friends are supposed to be there for each other no matter what. right? even when they do horrible things?

no. i don't believe that. i never did. so why did i let all those nasty behaviors go?

sometimes in our desperation to be loved and accepted we override common sense. many times i thought my friends were the only people that care. but those people didn't really care about me. not really. and it's sad because some of them i knew for years... some mere months. after a while i realized that i didn't really know them. not that they changed--we tend to stay more or less the same--but my perception of them did.

i regret some of the friendships i got into, but being with them all taught me things. taught me what would happen if i didn't stick up for myself. taught me how it felt to be discouraged by the ones you love. taught me how it felt to be isolated among people. taught me that i could be a real idiot and do the meanest, vilest of things.

in the end, i'm glad for the good and the bad. i wan to do better, i want to be better than who i used to be and who i used to hang out with.

part of why i made this dw is to chronicle myself so i can look back and reflect. laugh, cringe, and maybe even cry to see how far i've gone on the path to change.

i pray to God that i don't end up going back to my old habits because i really don't like the person i was.

do i feel lonely right now? a little. but that's because at the moment i don't have friends. i just moved. my surroundings are unfamiliar and i have no idea if the nearby masjids are good or not. but i'm not letting that worry me just yet. Allah is near, and he answers the call of the one who calls on him. i just have to be patient and seek the best path i can take.

so it's about that time again. another transition period, hand on a suitcase and bus pass in the other. once i get off the bus i'll find hop onto a train, and that train will lead somewhere i'll face new challenges and joys.

it's time to really make my soul shine.
hijabi: photo of zuko scratching his head. (zuko scratching head)
before i begin this is all coming from from someone who used to be obsessed with harry potter, greek mythology, naruto (ninja magic rofl), and all kinds of dumb fairy tales.

confession: i just don't care about it as much anymore.

it feels so strange to say. those things were my special interests for a loooong time. in some cases they were nearly life-long occupations, siphoning off time i could be spending on more useful pursuits. the truth is that i don't care much for these types of media anymore, although i do miss how it used to make me feel.

however, i'm finding something much more concrete and fulfilling than the fantasy and scifi i used to love: slice of life.

seriously. the older i get the more life smacks me in the face with reminders that nothing is permanent. why waste hours poring over fanwikis to learn about the barely relevant sirius black's ancestry? why obsess over these details that don't matter? why get into fandoms and shows completely devoid of the things i truly care about like flying robots and space princesses? why emotionally invest myself in something so far out of the realm of possibility that it actually hurts me?

the answer pierced me like a bullet. actually, the lack of a good answer pierced me like a bullet.

i don't have time to do things "just for fun." i want to be engaged. i want to come away from something with--with something that actually matters. i want to see humans interact. i want to see relationships (non-romantic ones) form. i want to see how people deal with grief, trauma, pain, joy. i want to see things that matter to me, that'll affect me in everyday life and the life to come.

i want something more.

i've realized that that something more isn't something i'm gonna find in a story about made-up races and imaginary planets or aliens or time travel. these things occupy our minds and we stop even caring about real-life issues. don't try to convince me it doesn't happen--i've seen it enough firsthand. (the search for aliens sometimes makes me laugh. people can't even interact with people from our own species without messing up.)

i'm tired of people ignoring racism and islamophobia and ableism in fantastical media because people just don't (or refuse to) see the parallels the creators were implying. i'm tired of the tip-toe acts people are using in fantasy to say "racism is bad, yeah!" without actually addressing real-life issues. i'm tired of (usually white) fans denying any connection to current problems because "it's just a story" or "it's all made up." i'm tired of the white creatures being pure and good while the dark/darker/black ones are always dirty, evil, and/or uncivilized. i'm tired of these half-hearted attempts at tackling discrimination head-on that completely miss the point. i'm also tired of minorities being represented as monsters or animals or some weird hybrid species. it's like people can't feel anything for fellow human beings unless we look like puppies. i've seen people literally show more sympathy for animals than victims of police brutality. we've had enough being represented as subhuman. hollywood and publishing companies consistently choose profit and "entertainment" over the value of actual human lives.

so often media (whether news channel, print, or online articles) is the vehicle used to push political agendas, stereotypes, greed, narrow-mindedness, corruption, and any gross human rights violations you can imagine forward.

do i think fiction's totally useless? no. the oppostie, actually. but if we're spending more of our time on made-up monsters instead of the ones plaguing our society and our very selves, then how are we ever gonna do something about them?

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hijabi: photo of zuko looking away, clearly tired and uncomfortable. (Default)
hijabi / hinata

September 2016

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